A short collection of bands--or, in certain cases simply individual tracks by bands that aren't themselves completely unredeemable--that I am ashamed to like.
Please don't get me wrong. Again, at least one of these artists aren't so terrible as to merit such self-loathing, but the song sure as feck is. Another band present has a legion of followers and the song listed is one of their most popular songs--but all of those people are wrong, and I'm ashamed of myself. Anyway, let's not belabor this any further.
It's not that I love any of these songs (that's not true--I do love one of them, but I won't tell which), but rather I feel myself enjoying them when they're on, matched with an equal or greater part of sickness that I imagine is akin to gettin' off the horse, if we're speaking the same language, you and I. If they come on the radio, I'm not changing the channel, but turning it up--unless the windows are down and I hit a red light with other humanoids within earshot, in which case I'd turn it way, way, way down.
Let's lay down some ground rules. When I say ashamed, I mean ashamed. Personally upset with myself. Not embarrassed due to the idiocy of my peers. For example, nothing by Alphaville makes this list, because despite the fact their brand of synthy pop is considered rather passe, they were actually a good band. "Jerusalem," Big in Japan," "Fallen Angel," even "Forever Young," all good songs from a genre that was not long for this world (even the current wave of synthy stuff and that which came about earlier this decade were nowhere near as ball-less as this). Speaking of which, Belinda Carlisle type shit doesn't count either. Telling someone not to get some kind of sugar rush off the hooks in those 80s pop songs is not unlike giving someone a crack pipe but insisting that when that sweet, sweet rock hits their lungs, they will themselves into not getting high. It's a trick, those songs, but the trick works. You can't will yourself unhigh when crack's in the equation, y'know? So they don't count either, I'm as helpless a victim as anyone else.
I will leave them unlabeled, forcing people not at work computers to hit the Youtube links to see what is being referred to. In no particular order:
#1: http://youtube.com/watch?v=E14difCPvtA
This is not an unredeemable band, despite the last, oh, 20 or so years. Believe me. Their first five albums all stand up if you have any affection for "classic" rock. Well, I did in middle school. In any event, while you can argue with me on my position on the early career of the band in question, you can't argue with me on this point: this song sucks. It's really, really awful. I'd almost go as far as to say it's everything that's wrong with everything, but that leaves out genocide, so maybe it's an overstatement. But if this song happens to come across a Sirius channel, I'd let it play. I like the guitar during the chorus. This song was once, in about 1993 or so, in my collection. It is no longer, because if I ever put it on the ol' Mp3 player, I'd never forgive myself. Especially if I rated it 5 stars.
#2: http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZZZADbubu0Y
During my frosh week (what the shit is a "frosh"?) back in 1998, we took a St. Lawrence river cruise sponsored by Molson, because you can drink at 18 in Quebec (actually, you can drink at 3, as long as a cop's serving you). On that boat cruise, they played this song. Everyone from Boston who happened to be entering the Queen of the Colleges seemed kind of pumped or something--as if this song proved to these poor, poor Canadians how tough the ol' home city is (even though we were from, like, Sudbury, Wellesley and Dover). However, this group is not from Boston. Not even a little. Additionally, they're from Long Island. Even more additionally, this song is stupid.
#3: http://youtube.com/watch?v=m4jLHxbX3NA
Ugh. They say 1995 was better than today, and by they, I usually mean me, but in disguise. I've heard this is called "post-grunge." I've also heard that if you were to compare this song to any of it's popular equivalents released between probably 1999-2008, it might win in a bloody barfight. Well probably, but that's more of a condemnation of popular music for the last decade than a compliment to this song. I hated this song at the time, but I was at the height of my punk rock attitude problem about music in '95. But even then, as now, I can't help but want to put it on repeat if I happen to hear it. The lead singer's a douchebag, the song seems to simply be a Xerox of a thousand other songs, and it stinks of phony. But you can't fight city hall, or whatever they call city halls in the UK (hint: Castle Greyskull).
#4: http://youtube.com/watch?v=AfhiNBC9yM4
I really have nothing to say. This CD was discovered in my car more than once, where I sheepishly laughed it off. I mean, it's kind of post modern or something. "We can like him because it's all a joke, right?" I don't think he's joking, and even if he was, it wouldn't matter. Here's something that isn't a joke: Pitchfork gave this album a rating of 0.6, maybe not literally their lowest rating ever, but definitely the lowest I've ever seen. Not that they make the rules, man: they like the Fiery Furnances, for fuck's sake, a 0.0 album outfit if ever I've heard one. But they were probably right on this count. This is kind of outrageous: if it's a joke, I'm getting awfully tired of PoMo jokes like this, and if it isn't...well, queue shocked silence. But this song kind of kicks ass. I don't like people to know I think so, or else I laugh it off in exactly that jaded, sarcastic manner which annoys me so much.
#5: http://youtube.com/watch?v=8jJWQkVgDs4
I have very little to say about this one. In certain ways, it is the most embarrassing addition to the list. And the more recent a truly awful song you've found some space in your head for, the harder it is to brush it off as a lark or rescuing something from years gone by that got a bad rap it didn't deserve. This song deserves it's bad rap: it's almost everything I hate about the pop punk that came about after my Queers, Screeching Weasel, et al, heyday of the stuff. It's flimsy, flabby, worthless crap. On top of that, the guy's voice is truly horrible. Beyond horrible. It's hard not to get annoyed by this song. For what it's worth, the part that I like is not the verses but the chorus, not that this will help me out too terribly much.
#6: http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZpUz5zXywhY
Maybe the most predictable addition to the list, and for that reason I almost didn't consider adding it. I mean, who wouldn't roll their eyes at themselves for liking this song for the last 34 odd years? It's a punchline in romantic comedies to love/hate this band--although I really don't like the band, only this one song. It's nothing new, and there's nothing else to say about it. However, I do have a confession: I have this song on my iPod, which is in itself unremarkable and not really worth mentioning. But it is literally the only song "hidden" on the entire thing. And I have some shit songs on there ("Back for Good" by Take That comes to mind). Yet, this is sort of like that old standup comedy set up about hiding your computer porn in a file named something like "2003 State Tax Forms." It is hidden in a very weird place, actually, as the band it's hidden under is maybe more embarrassing than this one. Quick hint: they're also on this list. Not named "2003 State Tax Forms," but that sounds like a good idea.
#7: http://youtube.com/watch?v=qQfqSWe8eVE
This song played at my Bar Mitzvah. It played at alot of Bar Mitzvahs in 1993. At another Bar Mitzvah, in fact, I won a cassette single of this song during a dance contest. I can't believe it either. A friend and I briefly considered dressing up like this band for senior dress up day in high school (I believe some primitive cultures call that Halloween), only to see if anyone would still remember and recognize the effort. I'm undecided as to whether this song is good enough to not have to feel ashamed of. Give me another few years to mull it over--it's only been about 15 at this point, and I don't want to rush anything.
#8: http://youtube.com/watch?v=Qcaf0UJNfCM
I'm not sure if this one counts. Not only because it's clearly not exactly pop music, but because it has at least or more to do with the context than the piece of music itself. I mean, it's basically just a lovely little piano ditty, and there's no real reason to feel too much pain over enjoying it. But it's where it COMES FROM. It's what it represents. It's why I know it, and why it makes me sad to hear it. The composer of this piece also adds to this challenging context: he writes swelling, overly sentimental pieces of music for a lot of movies, not just this one, with the intention of forcing you to sniffle even if the screenwriting and performances don't seem to quite merit it. And it works. Sniffle.
#9: http://youtube.com/watch?v=5NEE8oURdM0
Some people would be outraged that I've placed this band, and this song, on a list like this. It's sort of crazy, if you grew up a little differently than I did. But I grew up in a certain Massachusetts suburb, and went to a high school that might very well have been the basis for Dazed & Confused, at least while I was there. I was listening to the Dead Boys at the time, so I wasn't quite driving at that speed. I can't stand hippie shit, even today. Actually, it's funny, because a lot of what I listen to now is only one step removed from this very sort of hippie music...but that one step is essential for my fragile psyche. So, despite the fact that I like Band of Horses, My Morning Jacket, even some Devendra fucking Barnhart, I loathe this band. I can't help it. And this song & video says so much about why. But it is the one song by this band (literally the one and only) that I will listen to, and while protesting, for some reason never change the channel. Just keep my hand hovering above the button, fakin' like I'm about to "put myself out of my misery," but letting these old bastards do their bullshit first, as I kind of half-appreciate it, if only for a couple minutes.
#10: http://youtube.com/watch?v=n47OvuvRuAU
Oh, fucking whatever.
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